A very delicate subject

This isn't an easy one to approach without quickly descending into bad puns and innuendoes and wise cracks, but hey. In our house we use two-ply quilted bath tissue. Only one of the plies is quilted while the other is flat. The quilting itself is a bit odd. As you can see from the photo, the pattern consists of Hearts and Flowers. Is this consistent with the ultimate use of the product? Or are we trying to make nice with something that is less-than-nice?

"Bath tissue." Does anybody call it bath tissue? Every shopping list I've ever espied lists it as TP or SP. On the package is the usual toll-free 800 number and an invitation for the consumer to comment. I wonder if they ever get tired of the usual TP jokes. Imagine having that job: "Hello, welcome to the comment line for [brand inserted here] bath tissue. How can I help you?" How many people actually call with questions or comments about toilet paper? Is this the most deadening job, like the old Maytag repairman's lament that nobody calls? Maybe the company has laid off the last of its comment line workers and simply routes the calls to the executive men's room attendant to save money.

If I should ever be tempted to call, two questions come to mind. One: Why is it quilted? Two (the BIG question): Which side do you, um…use? I probably don't need to call; I can imagine their response: "Are you sure you called the right number? Nobody calls this number. I mean nobody has ever called this number. What could you possibly be asking about [brand inserted here]? Is this a joke? What are you, some kind of prevert? Leave me alone; I got a lotta toilets to scrub and you're just making me work longer for no pay. I don't get overtime and all the suits on this floor got the runs from some bad sushi in the executive dining room and—." At this point I hang up. I don't need to be chewed out by the likes of this grump who obviously doesn't enjoy his line of work as much as I do mine.