Preparing to see “Avatar”

By now you must know about Avatar, James (Terminator, Titanic) Cameron’s new movie which opened worldwide this weekend. So far it’s a record-breaker, despite the US east coast’s blizzards keeping millions of people away from theaters. I checked to see where it’s playing locally; Oakhurst has it in 2-D, and the IMAX theater in Fresno has the movie in 3-D. I usually hate to see movies in theaters, what with the audience being so rude with their cell phones, screaming infants, milling around getting snacks, yakking, munching, slurping, coughing, stinking, being way too fat, thinking bad thoughts, picking noses, making tortillas on their bellies—you get my drift.

IMAX theaters have not only humongous screens, but surround sound that includes speakers not just all around you, but beneath and above you. (For an additional charge, they’ll stick a speaker up your—just kidding.) The problem thus far is getting in. A Web site that lists showtimes for the film indicates every performance sold out so far, not only in the IMAX but the adjacent stadium-seating multi-screen theater. Plus this is the week when every kid is out of school and free to go to his or her second or fifth or seventeenth showing of the film, so the din in the theater should just about drown out all 50 of the speakers surrounding them.

What’s the alternative? Avatar will be available in 3-D on BluRay discs. We have a BluRay player but we don’t have a 3-D TV. Besides our puny 40-inch Sony just doesn’t cut it magnificence-wise. We’re going to have to see it at the IMAX. Wait! I just remembered that I know the manager at the IMAX theater! We worked together at the local ABC TV affiliate when we were youngsters back in the late fifties! I can get a command performance for Karla and me! Problem solved!

Yeah, right.

The film is way over two hours long. I don’t know how much popcorn it takes to last two plus hours. A bag? A box? A bucket? A barrel? Where do you put your Coke between gulps? As I recall, a lot of sticky dried Coke ends up on theaters’ floors, providing a good way to keep your feet anchored during the really exciting scenes. With a mouthful of gummy Giant Jujubes clamping your teeth together, how do you scream without swallowing your tongue? I forget. This could get dangerous.

I’m going to have to think this over.

Image: Twentieth Century Fox