Life in the slow lane

Apparently the local phone company is swimming in federal funds aimed at bringing the world to our doorsteps out here in the boondocks. For months now, big bulldozers have been tearing deep grooves in the earth and burying big plastic conduits and a very fat electrical cable. The next task is to pull fiber optic cables through those pipes and bring them to the pedestals they’re installing at crucial intersections.

The word on the street is that in a couple of years they will have brought high-speed Internet connections to the properties branching out along the line. Imagine that! High-speed Internet in the wilds where the fastest thing now is a frightened wild pig. Currently, due to the recent failure of my medium-speed satellite connection, I have to forgo many of the things I had done prior to that failure. My main job in the summertime is to provide services to people arranging for either a pickup of a food resupply along the John Muir Trail, or an overnight stay at our guest ranch. Trouble is, doing that job requires a moderately fast connection to the remote server where we keep the files. With a telephone modem cruising along at maybe 30 kilobits per second, I could probably grow a world-class Guinness-record beard before I could complete even one inquiry. I could grow a ten-digit set of those grotesque twisting two-foot-long fingernails that were the pride of Chinese royal wives. I could die then reincarnate a dozen or more times, each time exponentially more intelligent and experienced to the point where I would not only rule the world, but the entire galaxy. With the Force behind me, I could even bring back Constitutional government to the United States. (Ha ha. Dream on.)

Oh well. In a couple of years we’ll know the effect of this upgrade. Hang on to your Star Wars action figures; I’ll recognize you and welcome you into the fold.