I have discovered a quick weight-loss method that gives guaranteed results. Let’s say you’ve expanded to the last notch on your belt and don’t have a leather punch. Just catch “the bug that’s going around,” spend a couple of days in bed, make sure you’re close to a toilet and have a plentiful supply of TP, and be prepared to dash to said toilet every one or two hours (leave the lid up). Sweating and a dull headache are optional. Make sure you have a nice clean wastebasket to use for depositing the weight you’re losing orally while simultaneously losing more on the toilet (this was handy at least a couple of times).
I started this program Wednesday night. It ended Friday night. Would I recommend such a rigorous regimen? Only if you don’t have a leather punch or a longer belt.