A tornado hit Atlanta, Georgia, last Friday. Cable News Network was born in Atlanta, and later moved its headquarters to New York City. But Atlanta is still Number One in its corporate heart; if anything happens there, CNN will be sure to cover it. And cover it. And cover it.
CNN anchor, Wolf Blitzer: We’re going live to downtown Atlanta. Here is CNN reporter, Tina Brown—
Brown: Wolf, I’m standing next to what appears to be a very large piece of wood lying here right in the middle of the sidewalk. We asked an eyewitness what happened—
Eyewitness: Could be plywood. Could be particle board, maybe OSB.
Brown: OSB—I’m not familiar with that term.
Eyewitness: Stands for Oriented Strand Board. Made from wood chips.
Brown: I understand you saw where it came from—
Eyewitness: It was leanin’ against that dumpster an’ this gust of wind come by and blew the whole sheet right over, I swear.
Brown: That’s pretty graphic. Now back to you, Wolf.
Anchor: We go now to CNN reporter JD Hicks in Tulsa—
JD Hicks: Wolf, CNN has just been informed that a consortium of wildcat oil drillers discovered what they believe to be the biggest oil and natural gas field on earth. Here is spokesperson, JD “Sandline” Perkins—
Perkins: This field is enormous. We think it goes all the way from Helena Montana to El Paso Texas, and from Los Angeles to Virginia Beach, and points in between. It’s under pressure so we don’t even have to pump. Plus we’ve got a well putting out about a billion cubic meters a second of natural gas mixed with soccer-ball-sized chunks of pure gold, and another well producing high-octane unleaded gasoline, diamonds, and cocaine.
JD Hicks: Preliminary estimates indicate that gas, oil, diamonds, gold and cocaine will soon be cheaper than dust bunnies. Now back to you, Wolf.
Anchor: And we return to CNN reporter, Tina Brown in downtown Atlanta.
Brown: Wolf, a few minutes ago we heard a loud bang and believe it came from a wine bottle flying through the air and hitting this car behind me. We talked to the driver—
Driver: It sure gave me a start. I was sittin’ here at this stop light and all of a sudden, BANG this bottle hit me right upside the window. I don’t know if it came from the wind or that ol’ drunk guy when he tripped over that piece of plywood there.
Brown: We’ve determined that it’s OSB. Now back to you, Wolf.
Anchor: We’re getting a bulletin from our CNN bureau in China. Let’s go now to CNN reporter Feng Shui in Beijing—
Feng: Wolf, CNN has just learned that between a hundred and fifty and two hundred million Chinese were killed when their province was suddenly sucked into the earth.
Anchor: Thank you Feng. We’ll have more as that story develops. Now back to our CNN reporter in downtown Atlanta.
Brown: Wolf, I am now standing next to of a lot of broken glass. We’re not sure where it came from, but suspect it could be from what appears to be a shopping bag full of bottles that was blown from on top of the recycling bin here on the corner. It’s a LOT of glass, more than I’ve seen since a garbage bag I was taking out at home broke open and several bottles and jars fell out onto my back porch. It took me over half an hour to clean it up, and it looks like this mess will take at least that long—
Anchor: Thank you, Tina. We’re getting breaking news from NASA. Here is CNN reporter Rocky Blastov in Houston—
Blastov: Officials at NASA have just informed CNN that the moon has suddenly broken out of its orbit and is headed straight for earth. They predict it will be hitting our planet in approximately six hours and thirty minutes. Now back to you, Wolf.
Anchor: Thank you Rocky. Now back to our CNN reporter in downtown Atlanta—