Wednesday, March 5

Oak Branch Constrictor

I sensed skepticism on the part of readers when I mentioned the Oak Branch Constrictor in my last post. To prove that such a thing exists, I grabbed the camera and went over to retrieve one from the slash pile we made from our last parting-out of the two big fallen oak limbs. When we had cut our way to the bottom of the disarray of broken branches a few days ago, we noticed a piece of “wood” that didn’t look quite right. Sure enough it was a dead constrictor, shown here. Apparently it was lurking on the lowest part of the large limb when it crashed to the ground, killing the snake instantly. How do I know it died instantly? Easy—there were no thrash marks on the ground that would have been there if the snake were only pinned down. Once dead, it’s easy to tell a real oak branch from a constrictor. If you cook a slice of branch, it tastes really bitter. The constrictor, on the other hand, tastes like chicken.


Susan said...

I see how rigor mortis has (obviously) set in too. Look how the oak constrictor arches up off the ground even though it's been dead a loooong time.

I do apologise for doubting you in the light of such convicting proof of the existence of oak constrictors.

Did I ever tell you the story about the drop bears we have in the Australian bush> Of course, they aren't really BEARS. Everyone knows we only have Koalas here which certainly aren't BEARS. But that is what the locals call them - drop bears. We have to keep watch all the time becasue when we are out bush walking, a drop bear could pounce on us from the gum trees without warning....scary stuff. You must have heard about it in the news, even in California.

Tom Hurley said...

I’m curious…what does a drop bear DO once it has fallen on you? Make you smell like a gum tree? Rough you up with its coarse fur? Doesn’t sound too dangerous to me. The Oak Branch Constrictor will suffocate you and if you’re not too big for its gullet will actually swallow you!

Susan said...

Glad you asked, because having bush knowledge is important if you happen to go bushwalking. Drop bears are primarily notorious for suffocating their victims by overpowering them with the smell of raw eucalyptus oil. It's especially fatal if you happen to be allergic to eucalyptus oil. If you happen to be able to survive eucalyptus oil asphixiation, a secondary condition known as 'fur head' also occurs when the drop bear drops, then immediately and convulsively locks on to your locks and .... goes to sleep. Being nocturnal animals, drop bears are usually wanting to sleep when humans are awake, and vice versa, so any clashes between the two species is a problem. It's very hard to sidlodge a sleeping drop bear once it locks on. You can imagine the negative social consequences of 'drop bear fur head', even if it doesn't prove fatal...I shudder to think it could ever happen to me.

On another topic, your post made me hungry for roast chicken so that's what we had for dinner this evening.