Wednesday, January 2

I’m dropping out of the presidential race

As much as this comes as a disappointment to my many supporters, I must declare my run for the presidency to be ended. It was a difficult decision: balancing the importance of two conflicting goals—saving the republic versus feeding the cat, the dog, the fish, and the horses. In America's rich history, many men have risen to the office of the presidency and guided the nation through challenges to its sovereignty and influence. I was willing to make the sacrifice to follow in their footsteps, but there were the animals I care for to consider.

My unique approach to feeding the goldfish, for example, made me aware of their needs which only I truly understood. Some would say, "But Tom, your country needs you to lead it out of war. To revitalize the economy. To bring back the hope of the American dream in the eyes of the world." Agreed, but how many people understand the needs of five goldfish who were going to be sold as food for turtles? I rescued these helpless souls from the big tank at the feed store, paying only 20 cents each. Imagine! A precious life put on the block for another's indulgence! Over time I have achieved oneness with their needs. I dole out their food in what might seem to the uninitiated to be a random pattern, sometimes twice in the morning and four times in the afternoon. Sometimes once in the morning and only three times in the afternoon. I take the temperature of the water they live in to determine if their digestive systems can accommodate an increase in the amount of food I give them. How can I pass on this close personal empathy to another person?

As for the dog, the cat, and the horses, even an idiot can keep them going.

Guess I must be a fish guy. Oh well, somebody else can be president. Thanks for your support though. May you have many happy goldfish yourselves.

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